Things I would do right now to save the world...

1) End corn subsidies
2) Allow gay marriage
3) Strengthen government regulation of financial institutions
4) Encourage sustainable agriculture through tax breaks and educational incentives
5) Make corn fed beef illegal
6) Subsidize not-for-profit health care
7) Tax polluters
8) Funnel money into education
9) Legalize marijuana
10) Make spreading false information via news networks (like Fox) illegal

"BOOSH! KLAKLAU" goes up at the Magnet Theater!

Hey guys,

I know you were all wondering if "Boosh. Klaklau" was ever going to get the critical acclaim that it deserved.

Well, we had our first run at the Magnet Theater this past Monday, Oct 17th and it was a resounding pretty good.

We'll be putting up another one shortly, so keep checking out this blog/website for updates. There'll be some huge changes and a few new bits that I'm really excited about putting up. In the meantime, if you really want to see me do a show, just go see Junior Varsity at the Magnet Theater you jag!

Write in Jarret Berenstein for a political office

Hello,
My name is Jarret Berenstein. Writer. Comedian. Waiter. Jewish, but on my Dad's side, so not really all that Jewish.

I wanted to talk to you all today because I have a plan. I have a plan to put money in the pockets of hard working people like you. A plan to make white collar criminals pay for their transgressions against this country. A plan to right the wrongs of the economic crisis, and to put New York, and America back on track.

What is my plan, you might ask? Simple. Write me into office, ANY political office, and I will do one thing and one thing only. I will tax the rich, end the Bush era tax cuts, and torture Wall Street and Health Insurance Executives.

I am not a lawyer. I've never been involved in politics. You might be thinking that I'm grossly under-qualified, and you'd be right. Not only that, but I'm pretty unelectable, if for no other reason than having said some inflammatory things that can be found on youtube. Here's the link. And on top of all that, to be perfectly frank, I'm kind of a dick.

(To woman with baby) No, I'm not gonna kiss your baby. Get away from me.

But there's one thing that I am, and that is mad. I'm mad that 80% of this country wants to tax the rich and nobody in Washington is doing it. I'm mad that the 9/11 first responders bill was held back so we could protect the interests of the top 1%. That's not even normal evil. That's like bond villain evil. And now we're taking money away from TEACHERS? People being thrown out of their homes, people who can't afford health insurance, and Wall Street executives who do NOTHING, are getting paid Oprah money and living like Charlie Sheen.

Governor. Mayor. Alderman. Whatever. If it's an elected position, you can write me into it and if you do, I will spend every minute I am in office fighting to put money in your pockets. It is that simple.

Why isn't there a not-for-profit health care company? Is that a formula that only works for food co-ops and shitty theater companies? Write in Jarret Berenstein, and I'll get started on a health care company that pays it's workers a living wage, has no CEO's or bloated board members, and funnels any and all profits into charities, medical research, or back to the consumer. That right there would cut health care costs by 73%...probably. I'm not a math wizard.

You can call me a socialist. You can call me a Nazi, even though I've got the world's Jew-iest last name. You can call me a racist, I've said things that could be called racist (here's that link again). I don't care. I'm not trying to win your vote. I'm not trying to prove to you what a nice guy I am.

(To woman again) I mean it, get that baby away from me.

I'm just trying to make life easier for everybody who doesn't fly a jet to the Wholefoods in Cabo because it has better yellow tail sashimi.

Send a message to Washington. Write in Jarret Berenstein to tax the rich. Write in Jarret Berenstein to end the Bush era tax cuts. Write in Jarret Berenstein to stop funding Wall Street. Write in Jarret Berenstein for affordable health care. Write in Jarret Berenstein...for America.

(To woman again) Seriously, get that baby away from me, or I will toss it to the first hungry hobo I see.

Kanye West...oh Kanye West...

I recently found out about this: a show Kanye West did in NYC in which he not only performed the entirety of his new album, but also gave a super crazy and amazingly typical Kanye rant about...so....many...things. Once I got over my extreme disappointment on not having been at this show, I was able to watch the video. It was incredible and retarded in that super special Kanye way. Here are some highlights...

@ 11 seconds - "As you know it's been an extremely hard year for me."

(Thought # 1: ME TOO, KANYE! We have so much in common! 2010 can suck a dick!)

(Thought # 2: Oh, Kanye. You are an international celebrity. Your worst year would make someone living below the poverty line cum their pants, to say nothing of starving children in third world counties, who would die from exposure to so much awesome. At 11 seconds in, this speech has already exceeded my expectations.)

@ 1.28 - "...and to come back...and do 100,000 the first day...digital alone...to do, to be slated to do 600,000 in the first week...and, uh, I don't talk about the numbers..."

(Clearly.)

@ 1.57 - "THEY SOLD OUT AT BEST BUY AT 14th STREET TONIGHT!"

(NOT BEST BUY! They're known for having lots of records!)

@ 2:20 - "I ain't here to do no mutha fuckin politics."

(Okay, but if you talk about George Bush less than 2 minutes from this point I reserve the right to shit my pants.)

@ 2:44 - "If you are a child that's being abused by your parent...or you're a girl being abused by your boyfriend, the greatest win that you could ever have is for that person to hit you in public."

(Umm...are you sure, Kanye?)

@ 4.14 - "Cuz look at this...everybody wants to villanize people...even if you take the concept of George Bush, there is no leader in history that has been villanized in that way, and didn't get killed at war or commit suicide. So any man that lives through it deserves one moment of redemption. Any man! Because at the end of the day, we are all...none are without flaw."

(OH MY GOD! Kanye, if you're gonna make an argument like the one above, I'm gonna need to see some references. Maybe a bibliography. Also, yeah, none are without flaw, but most of us haven't destroyed multiple countries. You are preaching to the way wrong audience. Also, there is shit in my pants.)

@ 5:20 - "...but the nuances of my words, because I am very particular with my words."

(Clearly.)

@ 8:44 - "I can't be your role model. I can't be your savior. I can't be your Antichrist. I don't know what the fuck Illuminati is. I like clothes and I still like girls..."

(I'm not sure what those two thoughts had to do with each other. Maybe we are getting a glimpse at what it is like to be in Kanye's brain. Two thoughts, smashed together like bullet trains colliding. None survived. But hey, at least he still likes girls. I know things were really touch and go there for a second.)

I just got passed at Comic Strip Live

To the three people who read this blog, I just found out some great news: I've officially been passed for late night spots at Comic Strip Live. This is good news. It is not a huge step up, but it is a step in the right direction, and I am pleased as punch about it.

To see the show that made the magic happen, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUeXzfFudXY

Rick Sanchez needs to die also

Rick Sanchez is "Bill O'Reilly"-ing his way through some radio show about Jon Stewart. No, retard, Jon Stewart isn't picking on you because you are Latino. He is picking on you because you are retarded. Ps go die. you are retarded.

My computer genius roommate is retarded.

Here is a short list of things my computer genius roommate has needed my help to accomplish.

1) Turning on the faucet at our old apartment
2) Turning up the volume on our television
3) Realizing that the Swiffer he bought two years ago has a vacuum cleaner on it