Write in Jarret Berenstein for a political office

Hello,
My name is Jarret Berenstein. Writer. Comedian. Waiter. Jewish, but on my Dad's side, so not really all that Jewish.

I wanted to talk to you all today because I have a plan. I have a plan to put money in the pockets of hard working people like you. A plan to make white collar criminals pay for their transgressions against this country. A plan to right the wrongs of the economic crisis, and to put New York, and America back on track.

What is my plan, you might ask? Simple. Write me into office, ANY political office, and I will do one thing and one thing only. I will tax the rich, end the Bush era tax cuts, and torture Wall Street and Health Insurance Executives.

I am not a lawyer. I've never been involved in politics. You might be thinking that I'm grossly under-qualified, and you'd be right. Not only that, but I'm pretty unelectable, if for no other reason than having said some inflammatory things that can be found on youtube. Here's the link. And on top of all that, to be perfectly frank, I'm kind of a dick.

(To woman with baby) No, I'm not gonna kiss your baby. Get away from me.

But there's one thing that I am, and that is mad. I'm mad that 80% of this country wants to tax the rich and nobody in Washington is doing it. I'm mad that the 9/11 first responders bill was held back so we could protect the interests of the top 1%. That's not even normal evil. That's like bond villain evil. And now we're taking money away from TEACHERS? People being thrown out of their homes, people who can't afford health insurance, and Wall Street executives who do NOTHING, are getting paid Oprah money and living like Charlie Sheen.

Governor. Mayor. Alderman. Whatever. If it's an elected position, you can write me into it and if you do, I will spend every minute I am in office fighting to put money in your pockets. It is that simple.

Why isn't there a not-for-profit health care company? Is that a formula that only works for food co-ops and shitty theater companies? Write in Jarret Berenstein, and I'll get started on a health care company that pays it's workers a living wage, has no CEO's or bloated board members, and funnels any and all profits into charities, medical research, or back to the consumer. That right there would cut health care costs by 73%...probably. I'm not a math wizard.

You can call me a socialist. You can call me a Nazi, even though I've got the world's Jew-iest last name. You can call me a racist, I've said things that could be called racist (here's that link again). I don't care. I'm not trying to win your vote. I'm not trying to prove to you what a nice guy I am.

(To woman again) I mean it, get that baby away from me.

I'm just trying to make life easier for everybody who doesn't fly a jet to the Wholefoods in Cabo because it has better yellow tail sashimi.

Send a message to Washington. Write in Jarret Berenstein to tax the rich. Write in Jarret Berenstein to end the Bush era tax cuts. Write in Jarret Berenstein to stop funding Wall Street. Write in Jarret Berenstein for affordable health care. Write in Jarret Berenstein...for America.

(To woman again) Seriously, get that baby away from me, or I will toss it to the first hungry hobo I see.