rock. nonstop.

Things I would do right now to save the world...

2011-12-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

1) End corn subsidies
2) Allow gay marriage
3) Strengthen government regulation of financial institutions
4) Encourage sustainable agriculture through tax breaks and educational incentives
5) Make corn fed beef illegal
6) Subsidize not-for-profit health care
7) Tax polluters
8) Funnel money into education
9) Legalize marijuana
10) Make spreading false information via news networks (like Fox) illegal

"BOOSH! KLAKLAU" goes up at the Magnet Theater!

2011-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

I know you were all wondering if "Boosh. Klaklau" was ever going to get the critical acclaim that it deserved.

Well, we had our first run at the Magnet Theater this past Monday, Oct 17th and it was a resounding pretty good.

We'll be putting up another one shortly, so keep checking out this blog/website for updates. There'll be some huge changes and a few new bits that I'm really excited about putting up. In the meantime, if you really want to see me do a show, just go see Junior Varsity at the Magnet Theater you jag!

Write in Jarret Berenstein for a political office

2011-03-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hello,
My name is Jarret Berenstein. Writer. Comedian. Waiter. Jewish, but on my Dad's side, so not really all that Jewish.

I wanted to talk to you all today because I have a plan. I have a plan to put money in the pockets of hard working people like you. A plan to make white collar criminals pay for their transgressions against this country. A plan to right the wrongs of the economic crisis, and to put New York, and America back on track.

What is my plan, you might ask? Simple. Write me into office, ANY political office, and I will do one thing and one thing only. I will tax the rich, end the Bush era tax cuts, and torture Wall Street and Health Insurance Executives.

I am not a lawyer. I've never been involved in politics. You might be thinking that I'm grossly under-qualified, and you'd be right. Not only that, but I'm pretty unelectable, if for no other reason than having said some inflammatory things that can be found on youtube. Here's the link. And on top of all that, to be perfectly frank, I'm kind of a dick.

(To woman with baby) No, I'm not gonna kiss your baby. Get away from me.

But there's one thing that I am, and that is mad. I'm mad that 80% of this country wants to tax the rich and nobody in Washington is doing it. I'm mad that the 9/11 first responders bill was held back so we could protect the interests of the top 1%. That's not even normal evil. That's like bond villain evil. And now we're taking money away from TEACHERS? People being thrown out of their homes, people who can't afford health insurance, and Wall Street executives who do NOTHING, are getting paid Oprah money and living like Charlie Sheen.

Governor. Mayor. Alderman. Whatever. If it's an elected position, you can write me into it and if you do, I will spend every minute I am in office fighting to put money in your pockets. It is that simple.

Why isn't there a not-for-profit health care company? Is that a formula that only works for food co-ops and shitty theater companies? Write in Jarret Berenstein, and I'll get started on a health care company that pays it's workers a living wage, has no CEO's or bloated board members, and funnels any and all profits into charities, medical research, or back to the consumer. That right there would cut health care costs by 73%...probably. I'm not a math wizard.

You can call me a socialist. You can call me a Nazi, even though I've got the world's Jew-iest last name. You can call me a racist, I've said things that could be called racist (here's that link again). I don't care. I'm not trying to win your vote. I'm not trying to prove to you what a nice guy I am.

(To woman again) I mean it, get that baby away from me.

I'm just trying to make life easier for everybody who doesn't fly a jet to the Wholefoods in Cabo because it has better yellow tail sashimi.

Send a message to Washington. Write in Jarret Berenstein to tax the rich. Write in Jarret Berenstein to end the Bush era tax cuts. Write in Jarret Berenstein to stop funding Wall Street. Write in Jarret Berenstein for affordable health care. Write in Jarret Berenstein...for America.

(To woman again) Seriously, get that baby away from me, or I will toss it to the first hungry hobo I see.

Kanye West...oh Kanye West...

2010-11-25T08:44:00.000-08:00

I recently found out about this: a show Kanye West did in NYC in which he not only performed the entirety of his new album, but also gave a super crazy and amazingly typical Kanye rant about...so....many...things. Once I got over my extreme disappointment on not having been at this show, I was able to watch the video. It was incredible and retarded in that super special Kanye way. Here are some highlights...

@ 11 seconds - "As you know it's been an extremely hard year for me."

(Thought # 1: ME TOO, KANYE! We have so much in common! 2010 can suck a dick!)

(Thought # 2: Oh, Kanye. You are an international celebrity. Your worst year would make someone living below the poverty line cum their pants, to say nothing of starving children in third world counties, who would die from exposure to so much awesome. At 11 seconds in, this speech has already exceeded my expectations.)

@ 1.28 - "...and to come back...and do 100,000 the first day...digital alone...to do, to be slated to do 600,000 in the first week...and, uh, I don't talk about the numbers..."

(Clearly.)

@ 1.57 - "THEY SOLD OUT AT BEST BUY AT 14th STREET TONIGHT!"

(NOT BEST BUY! They're known for having lots of records!)

@ 2:20 - "I ain't here to do no mutha fuckin politics."

(Okay, but if you talk about George Bush less than 2 minutes from this point I reserve the right to shit my pants.)

@ 2:44 - "If you are a child that's being abused by your parent...or you're a girl being abused by your boyfriend, the greatest win that you could ever have is for that person to hit you in public."

(Umm...are you sure, Kanye?)

@ 4.14 - "Cuz look at this...everybody wants to villanize people...even if you take the concept of George Bush, there is no leader in history that has been villanized in that way, and didn't get killed at war or commit suicide. So any man that lives through it deserves one moment of redemption. Any man! Because at the end of the day, we are all...none are without flaw."

(OH MY GOD! Kanye, if you're gonna make an argument like the one above, I'm gonna need to see some references. Maybe a bibliography. Also, yeah, none are without flaw, but most of us haven't destroyed multiple countries. You are preaching to the way wrong audience. Also, there is shit in my pants.)

@ 5:20 - "...but the nuances of my words, because I am very particular with my words."

(Clearly.)

@ 8:44 - "I can't be your role model. I can't be your savior. I can't be your Antichrist. I don't know what the fuck Illuminati is. I like clothes and I still like girls..."

(I'm not sure what those two thoughts had to do with each other. Maybe we are getting a glimpse at what it is like to be in Kanye's brain. Two thoughts, smashed together like bullet trains colliding. None survived. But hey, at least he still likes girls. I know things were really touch and go there for a second.)

I just got passed at Comic Strip Live

2010-10-12T21:22:00.001-07:00

To the three people who read this blog, I just found out some great news: I've officially been passed for late night spots at Comic Strip Live. This is good news. It is not a huge step up, but it is a step in the right direction, and I am pleased as punch about it.

To see the show that made the magic happen, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUeXzfFudXY

Rick Sanchez needs to die also

2010-10-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

Rick Sanchez is "Bill O'Reilly"-ing his way through some radio show about Jon Stewart. No, retard, Jon Stewart isn't picking on you because you are Latino. He is picking on you because you are retarded. Ps go die. you are retarded.

My computer genius roommate is retarded.

2010-07-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a short list of things my computer genius roommate has needed my help to accomplish.

1) Turning on the faucet at our old apartment
2) Turning up the volume on our television
3) Realizing that the Swiffer he bought two years ago has a vacuum cleaner on it

Two random things I remember from my childhood

2010-06-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

1) When I was growing up in Los Angeles my brother and sister and I had a hankerin for a tasty treat called Devil Dogs. The only problem was that Devil Dogs weren't sold on the west coast at the time, so we always had to wait until one of our east coast relatives would visit with boxes of the stuff for us to ever partake of one. Of course we'd devour the stuff in a matter of days, but in those days all we needed to visit heaven for a few moments would be to open the freezer door and blissfully pull out the little plastic wrapped pieces of delight.

And then I thought, "This is bullshit. What if I don't want to ONLY have Devil Dogs this week? What if I want to have Devil Dog NEXT week?" At which point I came up with the awesome plan of hiding one or two Devil Dogs in the freezer behind some nonsense that never got used. I did this for a few years before anyone caught on. I got lazy one year and decided to enjoy a Devil Dog in front of my siblings in order to make them really jealous. They started doing freezer searches after that. Game over.

2) We had a video camera growing up. It was one of the super old school ones that was enormous, had super shitty quality, and took a special, awkward type of video that not even digital historians would be able to recognize today. My brother and sister and I had a hankerin for the performing arts, so we were constantly putting on shows and making little movies.

My favorite of all these movies (now possibly lost to the sands of time) was one titled The Berenstein Murder (our last name is Berenstein). It was a murder mystery, and what it lacked in suspense and atmosphere it made up for in ADORABLENESS. Of all the "awwww" worthy moments, my personal favorite, and one that made me giggle for a good 20 minutes when I recalled it the other day, was the opening credit sequence.

Open on a piece of paper with the words The Berenstein Murder written on it, and my siblings and I saying off camera, "The Berenstein Murder!" Now picture a plastic knife being tossed onto the paper, and all of us kids going "Dun nuhhhhhhhh!"

Your honor, we find the defendants...precious.

Move to Costa Rica, Rush Limbaugh.

2010-03-23T13:26:00.001-07:00

Rush said he'd move to Costa Rica if Health Care passed, and it did and now he is backing out, blaming us all for misreading his intentions.

Rush, I am not misreading your intentions. I am just saying please...PLEASE move to Costa Rica.

Go there and ruin that place instead.

Yeah, I guess you're right...

2010-02-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

You know, a lot of people have been poking fun at me for having had the same phone for over four years, and I must say to all of those who've heard me hemming and hawing over what phone to get, you have a point. My phone is crazy old. Guilty as charged.

There was the whole debacle of moving to another company, or finding the perfect phone from which to move on from my Nokia 3220. Still, months went by and I seemingly did nothing.

Maybe I'm just an old fashioned kind of a guy who enjoys settling into the things that he likes. Maybe I find something I'm comfortable with and try to live with it forever. Who knows? Maybe I'll scour the internet looking for a good old fashioned Nokia 3220.

Or maybe...

...I'll go and buy a new myself a fucking smart phone right fucking now!

That's right, motherfuckers! You can all eat a dick! That beautiful fucking blue devil up there is my brand new smart phone that can look up shit on google wherever the fuck I am on the planet! Pretty as a brand new titty, as my Dad used to (probably never) say.

What's that? What did you say? Did you ask if I can send Kanye songs from my computer to the new phone using bluetooth connection utility? Whoa. That's be cool if I could do that...

...and I fucking CAN, BITCH ASS! "I ain't sayin she a gold digger..."

EAT IT!

Things I Hate that Everybody Seems to Love...

2010-02-17T21:57:00.001-08:00

MIA
Avocados
Sports
Live Music
Awards Shows
Beck
Getting high
Lost
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
The Olympics
Sparkling water
Nuts in dessert
Mash-ups
Michael Bay's Transformers movies
Going somewhere else for vacation
Celebrity gossip
Strip clubs
Ed Hardy shirts

More to follow...

Save the Cat

2010-01-20T14:32:00.000-08:00

I'm currently working my way through a few screenwriting books in an attempt to put to paper an idea that I've been kicking around for a few months. One of the books that's been recommended to me over and over is Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat." "Just read 'Save the Cat'" my professional screenwriting friends say to me time and time again.

So I borrowed it from one such friend (they didn't have it at the library) and am currently working through it. And it's good. There is a lot of good advice in there that I am totally enjoying and will definitely help me with my movie. But at the same time, Blake Snyder is constantly losing me in one department:

Examples.

All of his examples are...how should I put this...in-congruent. I can't get behind them! Every movie he says is great I think is...not good, and every movie he thinks sucks I thought was awesome. (Well, it's not 100%, but it's pretty close)

Movies Blake Snyder Likes:
Miss Congeniality
Legally Blonde (didn't hate this movie, but come on! Great?!)

Moves Blake Snyder Hated:
Memento
Unbreakable
Outbreak
Spiderman

What?! Am I taking crazy pills? Was Memento not a super smart thrill ride? Was Spiderman not a beast of a super hero movie? Didn't Outbreak have you glued to your seat?

(Many people don't agree with me about Unbreakable, so we'll just leave that one be)

I understand where Mr. Snyder is coming from. He's probably judging these movies by the money they made in addition to their structure and story and whatnot.

But still...Memento?

I need a new phone...

2010-01-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

I know that I need a new phone, but I don't want to get one. I don't know what the issue is. Maybe you can figure it out.

When I first get started in the crazy "having a cell phone" game, I picked out a phone that I thought was cool (back in 2001).

I got scammed by the Tmobile guy (at that point he was actually the VoiceStream guy) who told me he was giving me a deal by giving me the phone 1/2 price ($50). The truth is that I could have gotten it for free anywhere else. This is just one example of the many times I got reverse jew-ed since I moved to NYC. Don't worry: I've been jew-ing it up since then, and am now more than caught up.

Still, it was a good little phone. It lasted me a long time.

When it came time to move on, I got a flip phone from Motorola.

It was the first flip phone that I ever had, and I wasn't crazy about it. Charger was a pain in the ass, texting was a bit of a bitch, and it had a rubber back so it stuck to the sides of my pockets in a really annoying way.

After that phone's year was up, I went back to Nokia and fell in love with a little guy...name the Nokia 3220.

You ever meet someone who's everything you didn't know you wanted? Well, that's how I felt about the Nokia 320. Light, small and a breeze to use, this quickly became the best of all three of the phones I've had.

In the four years that I've used this puppy there were a few times when I could have gotten different phones. A friend of mine even gave me a Tmobile Smartphone, but I sold it. I never wanted anything more than this cute little guy. It's been with me through so much. I've done the majority of my texting on this phone. Sure, the camera doesn't work all that well, the battery isn't as strong as it was back when I got it, I can't go online, there's no GPS, and of course the keys are all busted up from over-use, but this is my PHONE! This is my phone! My simple, small, light, easy to use phone.

About four months ago my phone had a career ending injury. A few pieces of the back panel fell off after having been dropped for the 20th time or so, and I know that, as a phone, it isn't meant for this world much longer.

Nokia has made drastic changes to it's format since I got the 3220, so I refuse to go to them for my next phone. At the moment, I am at a loss for what to do. My current game plan is to continue looking at phones (and maybe some new plans) until something comes out that fills my very specific needs: small, light, easy to use, and totally amazing.

Health Care Debate

2009-11-20T21:18:00.001-08:00

There is a lot of noise going on about socialized medicine and bla bla bla. Jesus christ, can you think of anything more retarded than worrying about the red menace? Fucking hell, Glenn Beck recently asked someone if he liked Karl Marx! Why is nobody asking Glenn Beck the important questions, mainly "Where is your time machine and how did you get here from 1952?"

My point about health care is this...let's say that, hypothetically, it would cost me exactly the same amount of money to get my health care from the insurance company or the government. Let's say $5,000 a year. I pay $5,000 a year just in case I need to have surgery or something.

Now let's say that, hypothetically, I never ever ever have to go to the doctor's office. That $5,000 isn't ever coming back to me. In the current system, that money went to the insurance company, which means that my annual $5,000 went into some corporate insurance d-bag's pocket.

If it was a government run program, my $5,000 wouldn't be going to profit, it would be going into the system that was making sure my fellow American's were getting the medical attention they required. And that doesn't bother me at all. That makes me proud to be an American.

Hypothetically, of course...

Yahoo news proves what we always knew...

2009-08-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Gamers are overweight and socially stinted? You are BLOWING MY MIND!

Next you'll be telling me that bears shit in the woods...

"The Office"

2009-08-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

I know I owe you guys the end of my "Traveling" blog, but I've been watching the office, and it's been blowing my mind.

Jim came back from his interview at corporate and asked Pam out to dinner?!?! WHAT? What's gonna happen?!~?!

I could just start season 4 and find out, but I enjoy just flipping out for awhile.

on the road...

2009-07-07T02:06:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big fan of traveling. Well, actually that's a bit of a lie. I used to love traveling, but it changed at some point from something that totally fascinated me to an incredible waste of time.

I used to view everything past my block as having limitless potential for adventure. I harassed my parents constantly to loosen the leash they had me on. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to get a bike. I wanted to get my drivers license. I wanted to learn to fly a plane. At a very young age I packed a bag full of triskets and a pepsi and rode my bike exactly half a block away, found a cool spot under a tree and chilled out for a few hours. When I reached adolescence I started taking walks to the neighborhoods I was less familiar with around Brentwood, and as a teenager with a license I tended to enjoy getting lost in random outer LA towns and trying to drive my way back. I would be gone for hours and was happy as a clam so long as I had music and no one to answer to.

Then when I first went to go look at colleges I discovered what travel really was: I took a long flight to a place to pick up a car with my dad and we drove. And drove and drove and drove. I had no idea where I was going. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that Dad would tell me where to turn, and after HOURS in the car listening to the same tapes over and over again we would arrive at a college where I would interview (awkwardly), then get back in the car and continue the journey once again. After my week of looking at schools around the east coast, I decided that I was done with traveling for awhile.

Each expidition after that was similarly annoying. The road trip across America was dominated by my brother and his douchey tendencies. The trip to Europe was tainted by a perpetually upset stomach, a lack of culinary expertise, and my miserable gay friend and his hag who liked me. Road trips had breakdowns. Flights were cancelled. It wasn't long before I only wanted to dig in somewhere and never ever leave.

I found a place in Queens, New York and stayed there for five years. I traveled as little as humanly possible and was happy as a clam.

Then came improv tour.

To be continued...

North Korea is that annoying kid in middle school...

2009-06-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

North Korea has been officially reprimanded by the UN for it's latest missile test, and now, in retribution, it has declared that it will end peace talks and go back to trying to make nukes.

Here's my question to North Korea: Are you retarded?

Did you see what we did to Iraq, just because we thought they might be making WMD's? What do you think we're gonna do to you now that you are actually threatening the lives of millions of people around the globe? You remember how we've got these things in America called "Marines" and "Navy Seals" right? Well, what do you think we have those for? I'll give you a hint: it's not for people who aren't threatening to shoot nuclear weapons at us.

On a totally tangential topic, I'd like to send my warmest regards to the marines and navy seals. Good luck with whatever you are about to do, if you're about to do something, I don't know if you are or not. Whatever.

Glenn Beck is a raving lunatic

2009-04-14T21:29:00.001-07:00

I sometimes try to present my blog posts as cogent arguments that have examples and structure. This is not one of them. I apologize.

Why isn't anybody talking about Glenn Beck? He's clearly insane. The man needs to be kept away from firearms and small children. He says exactly what the homeless man outside my work says, only he says it on television where more normal people can hear it.

People I need off the air/planet:

Glenn Beck
Sean Hannity
Rush Limbaugh

You three are like the Musketeers of retarded.

Somebody recast Wolverine for me...

2009-02-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I think Hugh Jackman is a super talented person, and apparently the sexiest man of the year according to "Bla Bla" magazine. I just have a...thing against him playing Wolverine.

Why? Because Hugh Jackman is a very pretty, and try as he might, he doesn't look nearly as beaten down as Wolverine should be. He's pulling off the rage (at times), but he's way too clean, way too tender, way too happy, and way too pretty.

Somebody post some pictures of other possible actors. They should be short, stocky, and dirty as hell. I will appreciate it.

I BEAT HOUSE!

2009-02-12T10:37:00.000-08:00

I was watching “House” the other day. It was the episode where they treat a homeless woman who is having seizures. About twenty minutes in I made a startling realization: I know what’s wrong with this woman.

“Sensitivity to light...violence and aggression...bats where she sleeps…she’s got rabies!”

(I had just recently listened to an episode of “This American Life” which talked about the symptoms of rabies.)

Now, I am not a doctor, so I gave the episode the benefit of the doubt. “Surely this team of professionals would have thought of, and already ruled out rabies as a possible diagnosis.” But low and behold, forty minutes later…

“My god…it’s rabies!”

I BEAT HOUSE TO A DIAGNOSIS!

You’re damn right it’s rabies, Foreman! If I existed in your TV world, that fictional woman would be ALIVE right now!

The new yahoo mail girl has huge tits.

2009-02-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

Right? This is the first thing I see every time I open my browser. What is yahoo trying to do, get me to masturbate more?

My response to Sarah Palin...

2008-10-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the Vice Presidential debates between Biden and Palin. At one point, I was so angered that I actually felt the desire to jump into Biden's body so I could respond to something moronic that Palin said. Here is the situation...

Biden mentioned that Mcain voted with President Bush around 95% of the time, which means that not only are his claims that his is the candidacy of "change" total bullshit, but also that the policies which brought about all our current strife (Iraq, Katrina, the economic crisis, etc) were all policies that he supported, and so he is partially to blame.

Palin's response was that she kept on hearing a lot about the past from the Obama camp and that they should look to the future the way she and Mcain are.

Here is how Biden should have responded:

Biden: You are absolutely right, Governor Palin, we do bring up the past quite a bit and we should be looking towards the future. Only, here's the thing...you are asking the American people to trust that you and Mcain are going to be the best leaders for the country. Now, unfortunately, we do not have the technology to literally look into the future and see what your decisions would be, so we only have two options. We can judge you on the things you are currently saying in the present, or the things that you have done in the past.

For the former, it is unfortunately a very unreliable method of judging someone's character, as one can really say anything they please with little regard for what they actually believe. Therefore, the only reliable method of discerning a person's character and ability are to look at the things they have done in the past.

But please, go forth and look forward. Look towards the future. I'm assuming you won't be bringing up anything from Obama's or my past then, yes? Wouldn't want you to dwell in the past.

Man vrs Insect

2008-09-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

I have just done something way to mean to a bug. Something I feel the need to apologize publicly for.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not some sort of drum circle enthusiast who thinks bugs should be let outside instead of smooshed. I smoosh bugs with great frequency. I'm good at it. It's just that...I may have crossed a line.

I do not think that we need to assert our dominance over other species anymore than we already do. The fiercest creatures of the wild already bend to our will. Lion's fuck for us on Animal Planet. Tiger's let us put our heads in their mouths just because we wave chairs at them. Parrots daily abandon the beauty and complexity of their native tongue just to repeat inanities, like talking about how "pretty" they are, or telling us when they want a "cracker."

The only exception I could see to this is where insects are concerned. They already have us beat in a number of categories, not the least of which being sheer variety. If every human being that has ever lived were able to categorize 500,000 different insect species, there would still not be enough humans to categorize them all. They reproduce too fast for us to destroy them. They invade our homes with reckless abandon. Our only recourse is to smoosh the one or two we can catch when the lights get turned on in the kitchen.

Or so I thought...

I just walked into my bathroom and saw a non-descript bug slowly making his way across the floor. Not sure what it was exactly, but that's not important. I quickly grabbed some toilet paper and gave chase. It was a short battle, but in the end I smooshed it, balled it up and prepared to throw it away.

I hesitated though, before the garbage can, as I spotted out of the corner of my eye...the open toilet bowel.

(I'm not proud of what happens next.)

Maybe...I tossed it in the toilet bowel...maybe I then unzipped my pants and maybe...I then proceeded to piss on the corpse of the bug I had just recently smooshed.

Can you get anymore base than that? Have I not established my dominance over you enough just by killing you? How can I expect your family to show their face to the rest of the colony now? Did I really need to embarrass your entire race by literally showing off how much bigger my testicles are than yours?

No, I did not, and for that I apologize. Please don't organize and destroy us all.

An open letter to health care in general

2008-09-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

I do not know who is to blame. I do not know whether or not it is the fault of the insurance companies or the hospitals or health care providers or billing departments or doctors or what. I only know one thing...

You people are retarded.

I have spent hours on the phone over the past three months attempting to correct tiny mistakes which have the potential to cost me thousands of dollars. This is not my responsibility. This is your responsibility. It is not my job to hold your hand while you ask for payment from my insurance company. It is not my job to be the only communication that goes on between the hospital and the billing department.

I have just received bills for the following:

1) Over $1000 in charges that the hospital billed the wrong insurance company for.
2) A $25 copay that I have paid already. In my hand is a receipt stating such.
3) Around $50 in copays from eight years ago.
4) A $32 copay for a free office visit.

(Just in case you missed that last one, let me hammer it in for you: I went in for a COMPLIMENTARY office visit, and just received a BILL for the FREE office visit. I was CHARGED MONEY for a FREE office visit!?!?!?!!)

I am not getting paid to be your secretary. I pay an enormous amount of money to make sure that I have health care coverage. That money should be going to pay for competent people to handle things like billing, or insurance claims, or record keeping. My money should be used to train office administrators, managers, and customer service representatives so that they can do their job's correctly and handle all the bureaucratic nonsense that goes into the medical profession.

After I go see the doctor WHO IS COVERED BY MY INSURANCE, then they should bill my insurance company and that should be the end of the story. I am not an employee of the hospital or insurance company and therefore should not be put to work making sure that money exchanges hands.

I refuse to be taken advantage of. I refuse to pay for services that I have already paid for. I refuse to pay for seeing a doctor when I pay an insurance company to pay for my seeing a doctor. Get your fucking act together, you fucking idiots. I am currently filled with rage and it is all your fault. This is not my fault. This is your fault.

But that isn't what upsets me the most.

Sure, you did this, and you are forcing me to fix it. Sure, I do not have the time to waste on this bullshit. Sure, you owe me time, and money, and peace of mind. But that is not what really bothers me.

What bothers me most of all is that you are doing this to thousands of other people who are way worse off than me. I do not have any children to take care of. I do not have elderly dependents. I am not two steps away from bankruptcy. Many are, and you are taking advantage of them.

If someone out there has a solution to this mass mistreatment, please let me know and you have my full support.

Yours,

Jarret

Climate change.

2008-07-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of talk about climate change recently. It seems like more and more people are willing to accept that it is a problem and that we need to take drastic steps to do something about it. Which is great, because that means that we all won't die and shit.

Regardless of the fact that CFL bulbs are becoming the norm, SUV sales are plummeting, and Con Edison is offering a green energy service, one can still see occasional evidence that we have already done some serious damage. Take today for example, when I checked out the weather for my area and saw this:
WHOA! It's...HAZY out?!?! What the fuck is "HAZE"?!?! When did this become an accepted type of weather?!?!? Did I miss a meeting?

If the graphic is any indication, haze is when the sky is dirty, which can only mean one thing, people. We fucked up.

Green..peace?

2008-07-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

Something funny happened while I was in DC a little while ago. I was minding my own business, walking down the street, when a fellow from Green Peace spots me and starts to approach me. I wanted to be nice, so I didn't make too big a thing of brushing him off.

Me: Hey man, don't want to be a dick, but I don't really have time to chat right now.

This is usually the point where the charity people stop. No worries. They understand. Everybody's got shit on their plate.

Not this guy though...

GP: You don't have time for 500,000 people who were killed by global warming last year?

Okay. I believe that global warming is a real. I believe that something should be done about it. I do not, however, believe that you can blame global warming for 500,000 specific deaths. That's rhetoric. That's propaganda. And so I did what I usually do when I hear obvious propaganda: I laughed.

GP: What's so funny? You don't think global warming's a problem?
Me: Actually, I do think that global warming is a problem. I just don't think it's running around killing people like some homicidal maniac. That's a little dramatic, don't you think?
GP: You think people dieing is funny? Good luck with you comedy career, faggot!

Whoa. What? How did this guy know I was a comedian?

Just kidding. Of course he didn't know I was a comedian. He was making light of the fact that I laughed at him.

But...wow. Green Peace. Calling me a faggot. Nice.

Clinging to my guns...

2008-06-29T11:06:00.001-07:00

Remember when Obama got a lot of flack from those comments he made about people who are upset about their jobs and life so they cling to their values, religion and guns? Remember how everybody said they were elitist comments and were insulting to middle americans?

Um...isn't he right, though?

To me that's like telling a friend that they look like sick, and they get all upset at you for saying it, and then you're like, "But, are you?" and they're like, "Well...yeah, but still, you don't SAY that!"

Republicans/Libertarians are retarded

2008-06-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

Small government. Let the people rule themselves. The government's job should be to provide a few necessary services such as an army, post office, police, and step aside.

That's the basic belief system, right? Just want to put that out there. This is my understanding of it.

It is, at least, the line that I hear from Republicans/Libertarians whenever I hear them speak about anything other than Jesus, gay marriage or flag burning, which are retarded things to talk about anyways.

But here is my problem with small government. When government steps down, big business steps in, and big business needs to answer to someone. Big business has the money and therefore the power to do whatever they feel like.

The invisible hand of the market does not stop companies from exploiting their workers, destroying the environment, or creating internal and international friction by shipping jobs overseas. This has been shown TIME and TIME again. Walmart. Enron. McDonalds. Most large corporations are guilty of taking advantage of lose regulations and loopholes at some point, if not consistently.

STOP IT! Stop saying that government needs to be small so that businesses can be run the way they need to be run, because THEY WILL RUN AMOK! If it weren't for government regulations we would still have CFC's and a giant hole in the ozone layer. If it weren't for government regulations there would be no unions (probably). Have any of you retards ever read "The Grapes Of Wrath"? THAT is what happens when corporations are held unaccountable for their actions. Fucking hoards of poor ass Americans killing themselves trying to get to California where they heard there was work.

Sorry. I'm just tired of retards.

I have an air conditioner

2008-05-06T21:30:00.001-07:00

I actually have a lot of things that I didn't used to have. I have a car. I have a mac. A cell phone. A printer. I have pork, chicken AND fish in my freezer. I even have cable.

When I first moved to NYC back in 2001, I didn't have a lot of things, but the thing I didn't have more than ANYTHING was a/c (if you get that joke, then you and I can hang out). I literally didn't sleep for three summers. I went to visit a friend in LA during that time and had one of the best nights sleep I've ever had in my entire life. My roommate and I went to go see "Eight Legged Freaks" in the theater just to escape the heat. The summer when I got a/c I spent an entire day reading the fifth Harry Potter book in unbelievable coolness. I never imagined that I would be so happy.

Sometimes I worry that I won't achieve my ultimate life goal of not having to be a waiter (kidding. Doing comedy is my dream of course). Sometimes I worry that I'm not making the sort of life progress that I want.

Then I think about that first summer in the city. Working at Pizzeria Unos. Not being able to afford anything to eat save for a side of pasta ($2.15. We got a 50% discount, so I only had to pay $1.07). I used to be jealous of people who had the sort of expendable income where they could just buy a cookie if they wanted one. My room was so small I could barely fit a twin mattress in there.

I am not exactly where I want to be yet, but compared to where I was...this shit is the hot shit.

I live in Frequently, but I visit Austin.

2008-03-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

The title of this post was written by a genius that I work with at Lupa. I live "infrequently" but I visit "often"? That shits blows minds, people. Get into it.

I went to Austin, Texas a few weekends ago, and all four days were retardedly fun. SO much fun, in fact, that I completely destroyed my body, and am currently in mild discomfort as I recover. Still, I am strong of mind and body, and am coming back with exponential fervor. Try not to get burned, bitches.

Here is the main story from the weekend: I arrive late on Thursday night and meet up with my boys. We proceed to the booze district in Austin and start to drink and play shuffle board; a dangerous combination when you take into account how much I love to talk trash. I destroyed egos that night. Grown men cried. Grown women became pregnant.

We started to bar hop around 1am. It was a little quiet, it being Thursday night and all, so my boys decided we should hit a strip club. Those of you that know me know that I am not a strip club kind of a guy. I would much rather try to have a sex with a girl than pay someone to get me horny then NOT fuck me. But like the young lady being interviewed post gang bang says, "I'm not gonna argue with 4 drunk dudes."

We roll into the strip club at 1:50am, not realizing that the bars all close at 2am. We pay admission, buy drinks, then are told that we have to give them back and leave. Fine. My boys go to the bathroom, and I hang back to finish my beer.

This next part is 100% true. No joke.

As I am standing there a waitress comes up to me to take my beer away (this is what they do. You are not even allowed to finish your beer at last call). As she is walking away she turns back to me, shoots me a curious look and says, "Are you here with anyone?"

Jarret: "Not really. Why?"
Waitress: "Well...me and one of my girlfriends were going to go back to my apartment to drink. You should come along."
Jarret: "Sure. I've got some other guys with me though."
Waitress: "Okay. I'll just go get some more girls."

She leaves. I try to not to seem as though this is abnormal for me; a waitress at a strip club asking me back to her apartment without my having said a single word to her. Maybe I should give this whole strip club thing another shot.

My boys come back from the bathroom with devious looks on their faces. They have decided that we will all go to a whore house. I start to protest (if I don't like strip clubs, who amongst you can guess my feelings toward whore houses? If I can't convince a girl to sleep with me, I'm fine with not having sex that night. I don't need to pay for it), but I am literally carried away by my entourage, who are cheerfully chanting "WHORE HOUSE! WHORE HOUSE! WHORE HOUSE!" over my verbal and physical protests. I am thrown into a cab and driven 5 miles away before I can explain the situation to the morons.

Jarret: "Retards. The waitresses there invited us to a party at their apartment!"
My moronic friends: "Oh. Well...we're already in a cab. WHORE HOUSE! WHORE HOUSE!"

As if it wasn't enough that we were going to a whore house, my idiot friends decided to ask the cab drive to take them, specifically, to the dirtiest roadside truck stop whore house in the state. The man did not disappoint. I felt like I needed a chemical bath just looking at the place. I told my "friends" that I would wait in the cab for them, so they happily piled into the whore house, only to emerge five minutes later.

Morons: "Those girls were gross. Let's go back to the hotel."

Perfect.

As we drove away, a bouncer angrily ran out to find us. Apparently, one of my friends has stolen a fist full of beads from the waiting room. God bless our cab driver for not stopping.

There were other good stories from Austin, but compared with that first night they seem kinda normal, so if you really want to know, ask when you see me.

Talking to my roommate flossie is like talking to a retarded 4th grader

2008-02-27T21:49:00.000-08:00

I will not be drunk after 10 hours of flying into LA from Montreal, even though I will be leaving from a bachelor party. Even if I were to drink 10 shots right before getting on the plane, my body will burn away said alcohol in that amount of time. My roommate refuses to acknowledge this as fact...SCIENTIFIC fact, and is therefore more wrong than any human in history.

The bet is established. The dye has been cast.

(She is so retarded that she is not even aware of the above line being a reference to Julius Ceasar's crossing the Rubicon. If this is not ample proof that her theories are not sound, then I do not know what is.)

I will post upon my landing in Los Angeles, though I am sure we all know what the outcome will be.

ps. flossie is retarded.

There will be party

2008-02-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

Saturday, March 22nd. There will be party. Mark your calendars. Make sure you don't have to work the next day.

Jarret

Today is officially hangout day!

2008-02-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

I was tooling around the internet yesterday when I came across a review for a show I did out of town recently. It was a local paper, but the review was incredibly glowing, and singled me out as being particularly noteworthy. I got a few email about it from clubs in the city and from a booking agent that I know, who never seemed interested in giving me work before.

This put me in such a good mood that I was actually dumbstruck, and could do little else besides glow. I immediately got on the phone and arranged to spend the rest of the day not working.

"Hey, let's get lunch. I refuse to be productive!"
"Fuck my dry cleaning! You and me are seeing a movie in the middle of the afternoon!"
"Out of printer ink? Too bad, fucker! I've got dinner plans!"

I just returned from my r&r, and feel a little silly. Was that really necessary? Sure, it was fun, but I can't help but think I didn't deserve it. I mean, the reward was the review, but I decided to reward myself for getting the reward. A tad indulgent, no?

Back to work tomorrow. Unless I get some sort of comedy trophy.

Get busy livin, bitches!

2008-01-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

I was struck ill this past week; the unfortunate consequence of my living life too hard. Sorry, Grandma! That's how I roll!

My heart makes these incredible decisions, like, "Let's not sleep," and my body has to go and ruin everything.

Now that I'm back in kicking-it gear, I'm loading up my schedule like a whore loads up on antibiotics. This is not worrisome or silly, it is merely the product of my desired life being an extra 20 hours a week away from becoming a reality. So I work and play extra hard. We only go around so many times, mother f-ers.

the "spaniard incident" (3/22/07)

2008-01-11T22:29:00.001-08:00

the following is a repost from my birthday this past year. it gets special notice for being one of the coolest things to have ever happened to me.

well, the big birthday weekend has come and gone. my schedule has opened up a bit. the sun is shining sporatically (GLOBAL WARMING!) and i coasting until i find out how many hundreds of thousands of dollars i owe in taxes (it will seriously be that much).
i lost my voice for most of my birthday weekend, which is retarded. i was so super excited about all the shows and the partying, and by the second day i could barely speak at all.
this is because of what happened on thursday, which, truth be told, was so much fun that it was almost worth losing my voice for my birthday.
i was flyering for our last "this just in.../the third men" show in washington square park. it was pretty out, so lots of people were milling about, but only two troupe members were there to help me out (thanks shawn and sean!). also, i had a conical megaphone, like the kind people in the 40's used in pep rallies. my plan was just to make a big spectacle of reading the newspaper to people, and have the two seans go up to them and give them the flyer.
i started reading the paper into the megaphone ontop of a curved post (very hard to stand on) just in front of the arch, when i noticed one of the sean's laughing at something going on behind me. some kids were milling about and laughing at me, so sean and i started to engage them in conversation, me constantly relaying the conversation to the general public with the megaphone.
they were a group of seven teenagers, aged 14-17, from spain, who spoke very little english. they were delighted by my shinanigans, and remained rapt in attention during my spectacle. after a bit, me interacting with them became the spectacle, as i, on a post, surrounded by teenagers, shouted through a megaphone as they laughed at the few words they understood.
i don't like to brag, but shit i was coming up with was pretty funny. i tried to get them to rob a bank for me. i accused them of coming to america to make global warming worse. i told them i'd adopt them, be their cool uncle, and take them to R rated movies.
but my personal favorite was when they told me that most of them were only 14 years old. i demanded to know where their chaperone was, why spain as a country was so reckless with their children that they'd just send them to another country, not teach them the language, and not provide an adult to look after them. then i shouted out to the entire park, "Attention Pedophiles! There are 14 year olds who don't speak english here without an adult chaperone. Do not come here and rape them!"
just when i thought things couldn't get any more surreal, the rest of their group showed up. now i was surrounded by thirty 14 year olds, all shouting and cheering at me in spanish, and me, warning america through my megaphone that spaniards were multiplying like gremlins. "DO NOT FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT!" for a good ten minutes i spewed as much nonsense as i could while throngs of teenagers laughed and clapped. it was an incredible rush, feeding perfectly into my desire for atttention so typical in middle children like myself.
suddenly they all started waving goodbye and moving through the archway. apparently their chaperone had shown up and was taking them away to whatever educational experience they were there for. we exchanged a few heartfelt shouts, and then they were gone. i got off the post, throat destroyed with screaming, and gave a few flyers away to people who were curious about what happened. i usually like flyering, but now i just wanted to rest my voice and reflect on what had happened.
as one of the sean's and i were leaving the park, we came upon two old lesbians in all black, drawing. we gave them flyers and started to talk to them about the show, when one of them showed me what she'd been drawing.
it was me. with the megaphone. talking to the spaniards. it was beautiful, like suddenly having something tangible left over from a dream you wanted to tell people about.
"i'd love to get a copy when you're finished with it."
"tell you what," she said, as she started scribbling "happy birthday" across the top. "why don't you keep it?"
it was the only birthday present i got, but it more than made up for the lack of quantity.

i may have just googled myself...

2008-01-11T22:24:00.000-08:00

and i may have also found something that makes me especially proud to be me.

i discovered this.

it wins my award for "best thing to find when googling 'jarret berenstein'"

in case you were wondering, it is totally true.

The New York Times called me "handsome."

2008-01-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

i've recieved a lot of really nice compliments in my life. hell, we all have. that doesn't necessarily make me special.

something that WOULD make me special, however, would be if i got a really impressive compliment from a very reputable source. for example, if someone at, say, THE NEW YORK TIMES, called me, i don't know, HANDSOME, then that would be pretty unique.

well, NEWS FLASH mother fuckers! that's exactly what has happened! HOLY SHIT!

THIS JUST IN! "JARRET BERENSTEIN HANDSOME" SAYS JENNIFER BLEYER OF THE NEW YORK TIMES!

don't believe me, here are two links to the article!

NOTE: if you subscribe to the nytimes and therefore have access to nytimes select, then click here for the full article.
if not, you can see a copy of the article by clicking here)

it is a review of a production i was just a part of in williamsburg called "Little Building" about a building who falls in love with a man. i play a host of characters, not the least HANDSOME of which being the clock tower in the opening number.

i play the clock tower. that's, the SAME clock tower referred to in the article as "handsome." i think it's pretty clear what's going on here. someone on the new york times has a little crush. well, Ms Bleyer, please feel free to shoot me an email. if you're hot. if not...um...i like dudes.

this introduction rocks.

2008-01-11T21:56:00.000-08:00

i rock. i am a one man woodstock.

i'm a juggernaut of awesome. you cannot stop me from destroying, from making shit hot. i am a machine, specifically manufactured and designed to rock. i have been sent from the future to blow all your minds with awesome. my shit is f-ing sick (the good "sick"). i will impress the shit out of bitches, brothers, and haters alike, though i will not be doing so intentionally; it will simply be a bi product of my rocking.

this shit right here? this is the hot shit. get into it.