The New Job Show coming MARCH 1st at 7pm!!

Hey gang,

For the two of you who read this, I'm putting up a new show at the Magnet called "The New Job Show."  It's gonna be an awesome 30 minute extravaganza!  You can check out more info at http://newjobshow.tumblr.com/.

There's gonna be a promo video soon as well, and you along with purchase of ticket you get to also see WE'RE MAT WEIR!!!!

March 1st.  7pm.  Magnet Theater. 

Hope you all can make it!

A not funny blog post...

Today, as you all well know, a crazy person shot up a school, killing kids and teachers and a whole bunch of other people that were probably really nice.  This, of course, is going to cause a heated debate over what the cause was and how we can prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.  And even though many will complain that this is over simplification, I think I know exactly who is responsible.

Conservatives.

I'm not going to make this a cogent argument.  I'm not going to be fair.  I'm just going to tell you what I know from talking to people and from reading history books and the news.

Conservatives argue that we don't need more gun control, even though crazy people have been legally buying guns and killing people with them.

Conservatives argue that global warming isn't real, even though rising ocean levels and hurricanes caused by global warming destroyed the east coast.

Conservatives argue that tax cuts for the rich will destroy the economy, even though countless independent studies say that it won't.

Conservatives argue that we can't afford safety net programs, even though countless independent studies prove they save the country money, cut down on crime, and increase overall quality of living for everyone.

Conservatives argue that government regulation on business is unnecessary, even though unchecked capitalism has caused atrocities and crashed markets.

In the past, conservatives have fought against interracial marriage, racial integration, environmental protection, and the right to vote for women and African Americans.

Conservatives are currently and always have been on the wrong side of every issue.  They argue against things that help and fight for the things that hurt.

People!  They are bad!  They are the bad guys.  Conservatives are Bond villains.  They are Skeletor.  They are Lex Luthor! 

Not sure how much more evidence you need.

Sex and the City for Dudes is featured on some weird Dutch website.

I say weird, cuz what the fuck do I know?

Here is the link:  http://www.hln.be/hln/nl/929/TV-Gids/article/detail/1494031/2012/08/31/Wat-als-Sex-and-the-City-voor-mannen-was-gemaakt.dhtml

And here is the hilarious translation (courtesy of google translate) of what the article says:

With millions they were, the women who daily watched in amazement at how Carrie and her friends from the TV show "Sex and the City 'successes and setbacks booked in their quest for love, happiness and shoes. But what if the popular program for once and for men would be made​​?
Comedian Jarret Berenstein took a try and tinker together a video clip in which he crawled into the skin of Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker). Not made ​​'bare tanden'-smile, but a bored expression graced his face as he wanders aimlessly in the Big Apple. The hour-long discussions about 'true love' are not of the party, because the episode, entitled 'date night' was, sitting there after nine seconds already. With a beer in hand fires one comrade to another off "yesterday whether he had sex with that girl." After a simple "yep" is already on the episode. A great contrast to the brain thus breaking analyzes that Carrie and her friends Charlotte (Kristen Davis), Samantha (Kim Cattrall) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) are always ventured

Super fucking cool....

It's been extremely fun watching the hubub build over Sex and the City for Dudes.  It started like everything else I've done, building to a few hundred views on the day I posted it, but then it didn't stop.  I woke up on the second day and read that it had over a thousand views. 

"That can't be right." I thought, and went to work.  By the time I got off work, I had over 3,000 views and an email from the Daily Dot asking for an interview.

As of me writing this now we've had over 50,000 views (easily the most popular thing I've done to date) and have been blogged about and reposted on a dozen websites.  So fucking cool.  People I don't know are watching my work.  And liking it.

If you haven't seen the video yet, google it.  If you have, thank you for being part of the reason I've had an awesome week.

Reservations now available for Boosh KlaKlau

Click here for reservations to Boosh KlaKlau on June 1st!

Boosh Kla-Klau coming back to the Magnet June 1st!

Hey gang,

Awesome news:  my solo-sketch show, Boosh. Kla-Klau., just got back from the LA Comedy Festival where we WON "Best Solo-Show" of the festival!

(I was also nominated for Best of the Fest and Best Writing, but some other dickheads won those)

So we're gonna continue the party by bringing Boosh. Kla-Klau. back to the Magnet Theater Friday, June 1st at 8:30pm.  You should all come to this party.  It's gonna be a rager.

FUCKIN NEWS, PUNK!

Gang!

Super exciting stuff in the works.

1) I'll be taking Boosh Kla-Klau to the LA Comedy Festival next weekend! This might sound weird, but I'm really looking forward to seeing if I can do the show with so much less time to get the space ready and work with the tech. It'll be exciting like when you're trying to finish killing a chicken before your mom gets home (just me?). I'm flying in Thursday, April 19th and the show goes up Saturday (and I'll also be doing stand up on Friday).

2) DR COMIX has LAUNCHED! I started a tumblr where I doctor comics. I'm super proud these guys and I can't wait for people to check out the next three weeks that I've already scheduled. Five times a week we're gonna be dropping them!

3) COMEDY SHORTS! 5 filmed and currently being edited. 4 written and waiting to be filmed. My youtube channel is gonna blow the fuck up with the number of times my parents watch them shits.

4) My improv team, Junior Varsity, is going to the Chicago Improv Festival at the end of April. We've traveled a lot as a team, but there's something about the CIF that feels more prestigious, what with it being the birth-place of contemporary improv and all.

5) I got a lot of re-tweets today.

Keep checking the website, sign up for updates, follow me on twitter, follow my tumblr, and keep party rockin till your dick falls off.

The first run of "Boosh. Kla-Klau." is DONE!

Yo,

Many thanks to those of you who came out to see "Boosh. Kla-Klau." at the Magnet Theater over the past two months. The shows we did there were incredibly fun, and I'm super psyched that so many people got a chance to check it out.

For those of you who missed it, "Boosh. Kla-Klau." was my solo sketch show. 60 minutes of material written entirely by me, mostly performed by me (aided by a slideshow and some comedian friends).

I'm currently investigating over ways to bring "Boosh. Kla-Klau." to the public, but so stay tuned if you missed it and want to check it out. In the meantime, go see my twitter. I'm hilarious.

"BOOSH! KLAKLAU" goes up at the Magnet Theater!

Hey guys,

I know you were all wondering if "Boosh. Klaklau" was ever going to get the critical acclaim that it deserved.

Well, we had our first run at the Magnet Theater this past Monday, Oct 17th and it was a resounding pretty good.

We'll be putting up another one shortly, so keep checking out this blog/website for updates. There'll be some huge changes and a few new bits that I'm really excited about putting up. In the meantime, if you really want to see me do a show, just go see Junior Varsity at the Magnet Theater you jag!

Kanye West...oh Kanye West...

I recently found out about this: a show Kanye West did in NYC in which he not only performed the entirety of his new album, but also gave a super crazy and amazingly typical Kanye rant about...so....many...things. Once I got over my extreme disappointment on not having been at this show, I was able to watch the video. It was incredible and retarded in that super special Kanye way. Here are some highlights...

@ 11 seconds - "As you know it's been an extremely hard year for me."

(Thought # 1: ME TOO, KANYE! We have so much in common! 2010 can suck a dick!)

(Thought # 2: Oh, Kanye. You are an international celebrity. Your worst year would make someone living below the poverty line cum their pants, to say nothing of starving children in third world counties, who would die from exposure to so much awesome. At 11 seconds in, this speech has already exceeded my expectations.)

@ 1.28 - "...and to come back...and do 100,000 the first day...digital alone...to do, to be slated to do 600,000 in the first week...and, uh, I don't talk about the numbers..."

(Clearly.)

@ 1.57 - "THEY SOLD OUT AT BEST BUY AT 14th STREET TONIGHT!"

(NOT BEST BUY! They're known for having lots of records!)

@ 2:20 - "I ain't here to do no mutha fuckin politics."

(Okay, but if you talk about George Bush less than 2 minutes from this point I reserve the right to shit my pants.)

@ 2:44 - "If you are a child that's being abused by your parent...or you're a girl being abused by your boyfriend, the greatest win that you could ever have is for that person to hit you in public."

(Umm...are you sure, Kanye?)

@ 4.14 - "Cuz look at this...everybody wants to villanize people...even if you take the concept of George Bush, there is no leader in history that has been villanized in that way, and didn't get killed at war or commit suicide. So any man that lives through it deserves one moment of redemption. Any man! Because at the end of the day, we are all...none are without flaw."

(OH MY GOD! Kanye, if you're gonna make an argument like the one above, I'm gonna need to see some references. Maybe a bibliography. Also, yeah, none are without flaw, but most of us haven't destroyed multiple countries. You are preaching to the way wrong audience. Also, there is shit in my pants.)

@ 5:20 - "...but the nuances of my words, because I am very particular with my words."

(Clearly.)

@ 8:44 - "I can't be your role model. I can't be your savior. I can't be your Antichrist. I don't know what the fuck Illuminati is. I like clothes and I still like girls..."

(I'm not sure what those two thoughts had to do with each other. Maybe we are getting a glimpse at what it is like to be in Kanye's brain. Two thoughts, smashed together like bullet trains colliding. None survived. But hey, at least he still likes girls. I know things were really touch and go there for a second.)

I just got passed at Comic Strip Live

To the three people who read this blog, I just found out some great news: I've officially been passed for late night spots at Comic Strip Live. This is good news. It is not a huge step up, but it is a step in the right direction, and I am pleased as punch about it.

To see the show that made the magic happen, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUeXzfFudXY

Two random things I remember from my childhood

1) When I was growing up in Los Angeles my brother and sister and I had a hankerin for a tasty treat called Devil Dogs. The only problem was that Devil Dogs weren't sold on the west coast at the time, so we always had to wait until one of our east coast relatives would visit with boxes of the stuff for us to ever partake of one. Of course we'd devour the stuff in a matter of days, but in those days all we needed to visit heaven for a few moments would be to open the freezer door and blissfully pull out the little plastic wrapped pieces of delight.

And then I thought, "This is bullshit. What if I don't want to ONLY have Devil Dogs this week? What if I want to have Devil Dog NEXT week?" At which point I came up with the awesome plan of hiding one or two Devil Dogs in the freezer behind some nonsense that never got used. I did this for a few years before anyone caught on. I got lazy one year and decided to enjoy a Devil Dog in front of my siblings in order to make them really jealous. They started doing freezer searches after that. Game over.

2) We had a video camera growing up. It was one of the super old school ones that was enormous, had super shitty quality, and took a special, awkward type of video that not even digital historians would be able to recognize today. My brother and sister and I had a hankerin for the performing arts, so we were constantly putting on shows and making little movies.

My favorite of all these movies (now possibly lost to the sands of time) was one titled The Berenstein Murder (our last name is Berenstein). It was a murder mystery, and what it lacked in suspense and atmosphere it made up for in ADORABLENESS. Of all the "awwww" worthy moments, my personal favorite, and one that made me giggle for a good 20 minutes when I recalled it the other day, was the opening credit sequence.

Open on a piece of paper with the words The Berenstein Murder written on it, and my siblings and I saying off camera, "The Berenstein Murder!" Now picture a plastic knife being tossed onto the paper, and all of us kids going "Dun nuhhhhhhhh!"

Your honor, we find the defendants...precious.

Move to Costa Rica, Rush Limbaugh.

Rush said he'd move to Costa Rica if Health Care passed, and it did and now he is backing out, blaming us all for misreading his intentions.

Rush, I am not misreading your intentions. I am just saying please...PLEASE move to Costa Rica.

Go there and ruin that place instead.

I need a new phone...

I know that I need a new phone, but I don't want to get one. I don't know what the issue is. Maybe you can figure it out.

When I first get started in the crazy "having a cell phone" game, I picked out a phone that I thought was cool (back in 2001).

I got scammed by the Tmobile guy (at that point he was actually the VoiceStream guy) who told me he was giving me a deal by giving me the phone 1/2 price ($50). The truth is that I could have gotten it for free anywhere else. This is just one example of the many times I got reverse jew-ed since I moved to NYC. Don't worry: I've been jew-ing it up since then, and am now more than caught up.

Still, it was a good little phone. It lasted me a long time.

When it came time to move on, I got a flip phone from Motorola.


It was the first flip phone that I ever had, and I wasn't crazy about it. Charger was a pain in the ass, texting was a bit of a bitch, and it had a rubber back so it stuck to the sides of my pockets in a really annoying way.

After that phone's year was up, I went back to Nokia and fell in love with a little guy...name the Nokia 3220.

You ever meet someone who's everything you didn't know you wanted? Well, that's how I felt about the Nokia 320. Light, small and a breeze to use, this quickly became the best of all three of the phones I've had.

In the four years that I've used this puppy there were a few times when I could have gotten different phones. A friend of mine even gave me a Tmobile Smartphone, but I sold it. I never wanted anything more than this cute little guy. It's been with me through so much. I've done the majority of my texting on this phone. Sure, the camera doesn't work all that well, the battery isn't as strong as it was back when I got it, I can't go online, there's no GPS, and of course the keys are all busted up from over-use, but this is my PHONE! This is my phone! My simple, small, light, easy to use phone.

About four months ago my phone had a career ending injury. A few pieces of the back panel fell off after having been dropped for the 20th time or so, and I know that, as a phone, it isn't meant for this world much longer.

Nokia has made drastic changes to it's format since I got the 3220, so I refuse to go to them for my next phone. At the moment, I am at a loss for what to do. My current game plan is to continue looking at phones (and maybe some new plans) until something comes out that fills my very specific needs: small, light, easy to use, and totally amazing.

Health Care Debate

There is a lot of noise going on about socialized medicine and bla bla bla. Jesus christ, can you think of anything more dumb than worrying about the red menace? Fucking hell, Glenn Beck recently asked someone if he liked Karl Marx! Why is nobody asking Glenn Beck the important questions, mainly "Where is your time machine and how did you get here from 1952?"

My point about health care is this...let's say that, hypothetically, it would cost me exactly the same amount of money to get my health care from the insurance company or the government. Let's say $5,000 a year. I pay $5,000 a year just in case I need to have surgery or something.

Now let's say that, hypothetically, I never ever ever have to go to the doctor's office. That $5,000 isn't ever coming back to me. In the current system, that money went to the insurance company, which means that my annual $5,000 went into some corporate insurance d-bag's pocket.

If it was a government run program, my $5,000 wouldn't be going to profit, it would be going into the system that was making sure my fellow American's were getting the medical attention they required. And that doesn't bother me at all. That makes me proud to be an American.

Hypothetically, of course...

"The Office"

I know I owe you guys the end of my "Traveling" blog, but I've been watching the office, and it's been blowing my mind.

Jim came back from his interview at corporate and asked Pam out to dinner?!?! WHAT? What's gonna happen?!~?!

I could just start season 4 and find out, but I enjoy just flipping out for awhile.

on the road...

I've never been a big fan of traveling. Well, actually that's a bit of a lie. I used to love traveling, but it changed at some point from something that totally fascinated me to an incredible waste of time.

I used to view everything past my block as having limitless potential for adventure. I harassed my parents constantly to loosen the leash they had me on. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to get a bike. I wanted to get my drivers license. I wanted to learn to fly a plane. At a very young age I packed a bag full of triskets and a pepsi and rode my bike exactly half a block away, found a cool spot under a tree and chilled out for a few hours. When I reached adolescence I started taking walks to the neighborhoods I was less familiar with around Brentwood, and as a teenager with a license I tended to enjoy getting lost in random outer LA towns and trying to drive my way back. I would be gone for hours and was happy as a clam so long as I had music and no one to answer to.

Then when I first went to go look at colleges I discovered what travel really was: I took a long flight to a place to pick up a car with my dad and we drove. And drove and drove and drove. I had no idea where I was going. I had no idea where I was. All I knew was that Dad would tell me where to turn, and after HOURS in the car listening to the same tapes over and over again we would arrive at a college where I would interview (awkwardly), then get back in the car and continue the journey once again. After my week of looking at schools around the east coast, I decided that I was done with traveling for awhile.

Each expidition after that was similarly annoying. The road trip across America was dominated by my brother and his douchey tendencies. The trip to Europe was tainted by a perpetually upset stomach, a lack of culinary expertise, and my miserable gay friend and his hag who liked me. Road trips had breakdowns. Flights were cancelled. It wasn't long before I only wanted to dig in somewhere and never ever leave.

I found a place in Queens, New York and stayed there for five years. I traveled as little as humanly possible and was happy as a clam.

Then came improv tour.

To be continued...

I BEAT HOUSE!

I was watching “House” the other day. It was the episode where they treat a homeless woman who is having seizures. About twenty minutes in I made a startling realization: I know what’s wrong with this woman.

“Sensitivity to light...violence and aggression...bats where she sleeps…she’s got rabies!”

(I had just recently listened to an episode of “This American Life” which talked about the symptoms of rabies.)

Now, I am not a doctor, so I gave the episode the benefit of the doubt. “Surely this team of professionals would have thought of, and already ruled out rabies as a possible diagnosis.” But low and behold, forty minutes later…

“My god…it’s rabies!”

I BEAT HOUSE TO A DIAGNOSIS!

You’re damn right it’s rabies, Foreman! If I existed in your TV world, that fictional woman would be ALIVE right now!

An open letter to health care in general

I do not know who is to blame. I do not know whether or not it is the fault of the insurance companies or the hospitals or health care providers or billing departments or doctors or what. I only know one thing...

You people are dumb.

I have spent hours on the phone over the past three months attempting to correct tiny mistakes which have the potential to cost me thousands of dollars. This is not my responsibility. This is your responsibility. It is not my job to hold your hand while you ask for payment from my insurance company. It is not my job to be the only communication that goes on between the hospital and the billing department.

I have just received bills for the following:

1) Over $1000 in charges that the hospital billed the wrong insurance company for.
2) A $25 copay that I have paid already. In my hand is a receipt stating such.
3) Around $50 in copays from eight years ago.
4) A $32 copay for a free office visit.
(Just in case you missed that last one, let me hammer it in for you: I went in for a COMPLIMENTARY office visit, and just received a BILL for the FREE office visit. I was CHARGED MONEY for a FREE office visit!?!?!?!!)

I am not getting paid to be your secretary. I pay an enormous amount of money to make sure that I have health care coverage. That money should be going to pay for competent people to handle things like billing, or insurance claims, or record keeping. My money should be used to train office administrators, managers, and customer service representatives so that they can do their job's correctly and handle all the bureaucratic nonsense that goes into the medical profession.

After I go see the doctor WHO IS COVERED BY MY INSURANCE, then they should bill my insurance company and that should be the end of the story. I am not an employee of the hospital or insurance company and therefore should not be put to work making sure that money exchanges hands.

I refuse to be taken advantage of. I refuse to pay for services that I have already paid for. I refuse to pay for seeing a doctor when I pay an insurance company to pay for my seeing a doctor. Get your fucking act together, you fucking idiots. I am currently filled with rage and it is all your fault. This is not my fault. This is your fault.

But that isn't what upsets me the most.

Sure, you did this, and you are forcing me to fix it. Sure, I do not have the time to waste on this bullshit. Sure, you owe me time, and money, and peace of mind. But that is not what really bothers me.

What bothers me most of all is that you are doing this to thousands of other people who are way worse off than me. I do not have any children to take care of. I do not have elderly dependents. I am not two steps away from bankruptcy. Many are, and you are taking advantage of them.

If someone out there has a solution to this mass mistreatment, please let me know and you have my full support.

Yours,

Jarret

Climate change.

There has been a lot of talk about climate change recently. It seems like more and more people are willing to accept that it is a problem and that we need to take drastic steps to do something about it. Which is great, because that means that we all won't die and shit.

Regardless of the fact that CFL bulbs are becoming the norm, SUV sales are plummeting, and Con Edison is offering a green energy service, one can still see occasional evidence that we have already done some serious damage. Take today for example, when I checked out the weather for my area and saw this:
WHOA! It's...HAZY out?!?! What the fuck is "HAZE"?!?! When did this become an accepted type of weather?!?!? Did I miss a meeting?

If the graphic is any indication, haze is when the sky is dirty, which can only mean one thing, people. We fucked up.