I recently found out about this: a show Kanye West did in NYC in which he not only performed the entirety of his new album, but also gave a super crazy and amazingly typical Kanye rant about...so....many...things. Once I got over my extreme disappointment on not having been at this show, I was able to watch the video. It was incredible and retarded in that super special Kanye way. Here are some highlights...
@ 11 seconds - "As you know it's been an extremely hard year for me."
(Thought # 1: ME TOO, KANYE! We have so much in common! 2010 can suck a dick!)
(Thought # 2: Oh, Kanye. You are an international celebrity. Your worst year would make someone living below the poverty line cum their pants, to say nothing of starving children in third world counties, who would die from exposure to so much awesome. At 11 seconds in, this speech has already exceeded my expectations.)
@ 1.28 - "...and to come back...and do 100,000 the first day...digital alone...to do, to be slated to do 600,000 in the first week...and, uh, I don't talk about the numbers..."
(Clearly.)
@ 1.57 - "THEY SOLD OUT AT BEST BUY AT 14th STREET TONIGHT!"
(NOT BEST BUY! They're known for having lots of records!)
@ 2:20 - "I ain't here to do no mutha fuckin politics."
(Okay, but if you talk about George Bush less than 2 minutes from this point I reserve the right to shit my pants.)
@ 2:44 - "If you are a child that's being abused by your parent...or you're a girl being abused by your boyfriend, the greatest win that you could ever have is for that person to hit you in public."
(Umm...are you sure, Kanye?)
@ 4.14 - "Cuz look at this...everybody wants to villanize people...even if you take the concept of George Bush, there is no leader in history that has been villanized in that way, and didn't get killed at war or commit suicide. So any man that lives through it deserves one moment of redemption. Any man! Because at the end of the day, we are all...none are without flaw."
(OH MY GOD! Kanye, if you're gonna make an argument like the one above, I'm gonna need to see some references. Maybe a bibliography. Also, yeah, none are without flaw, but most of us haven't destroyed multiple countries. You are preaching to the way wrong audience. Also, there is shit in my pants.)
@ 5:20 - "...but the nuances of my words, because I am very particular with my words."
(Clearly.)
@ 8:44 - "I can't be your role model. I can't be your savior. I can't be your Antichrist. I don't know what the fuck Illuminati is. I like clothes and I still like girls..."
(I'm not sure what those two thoughts had to do with each other. Maybe we are getting a glimpse at what it is like to be in Kanye's brain. Two thoughts, smashed together like bullet trains colliding. None survived. But hey, at least he still likes girls. I know things were really touch and go there for a second.)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I just got passed at Comic Strip Live
To the three people who read this blog, I just found out some great news: I've officially been passed for late night spots at Comic Strip Live. This is good news. It is not a huge step up, but it is a step in the right direction, and I am pleased as punch about it.
To see the show that made the magic happen, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUeXzfFudXY
To see the show that made the magic happen, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUeXzfFudXY
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Two random things I remember from my childhood
1) When I was growing up in Los Angeles my brother and sister and I had a hankerin for a tasty treat called Devil Dogs. The only problem was that Devil Dogs weren't sold on the west coast at the time, so we always had to wait until one of our east coast relatives would visit with boxes of the stuff for us to ever partake of one. Of course we'd devour the stuff in a matter of days, but in those days all we needed to visit heaven for a few moments would be to open the freezer door and blissfully pull out the little plastic wrapped pieces of delight.
And then I thought, "This is bullshit. What if I don't want to ONLY have Devil Dogs this week? What if I want to have Devil Dog NEXT week?" At which point I came up with the awesome plan of hiding one or two Devil Dogs in the freezer behind some nonsense that never got used. I did this for a few years before anyone caught on. I got lazy one year and decided to enjoy a Devil Dog in front of my siblings in order to make them really jealous. They started doing freezer searches after that. Game over.
2) We had a video camera growing up. It was one of the super old school ones that was enormous, had super shitty quality, and took a special, awkward type of video that not even digital historians would be able to recognize today. My brother and sister and I had a hankerin for the performing arts, so we were constantly putting on shows and making little movies.
My favorite of all these movies (now possibly lost to the sands of time) was one titled The Berenstein Murder (our last name is Berenstein). It was a murder mystery, and what it lacked in suspense and atmosphere it made up for in ADORABLENESS. Of all the "awwww" worthy moments, my personal favorite, and one that made me giggle for a good 20 minutes when I recalled it the other day, was the opening credit sequence.
Open on a piece of paper with the words The Berenstein Murder written on it, and my siblings and I saying off camera, "The Berenstein Murder!" Now picture a plastic knife being tossed onto the paper, and all of us kids going "Dun nuhhhhhhhh!"
Your honor, we find the defendants...precious.
And then I thought, "This is bullshit. What if I don't want to ONLY have Devil Dogs this week? What if I want to have Devil Dog NEXT week?" At which point I came up with the awesome plan of hiding one or two Devil Dogs in the freezer behind some nonsense that never got used. I did this for a few years before anyone caught on. I got lazy one year and decided to enjoy a Devil Dog in front of my siblings in order to make them really jealous. They started doing freezer searches after that. Game over.
2) We had a video camera growing up. It was one of the super old school ones that was enormous, had super shitty quality, and took a special, awkward type of video that not even digital historians would be able to recognize today. My brother and sister and I had a hankerin for the performing arts, so we were constantly putting on shows and making little movies.
My favorite of all these movies (now possibly lost to the sands of time) was one titled The Berenstein Murder (our last name is Berenstein). It was a murder mystery, and what it lacked in suspense and atmosphere it made up for in ADORABLENESS. Of all the "awwww" worthy moments, my personal favorite, and one that made me giggle for a good 20 minutes when I recalled it the other day, was the opening credit sequence.
Open on a piece of paper with the words The Berenstein Murder written on it, and my siblings and I saying off camera, "The Berenstein Murder!" Now picture a plastic knife being tossed onto the paper, and all of us kids going "Dun nuhhhhhhhh!"
Your honor, we find the defendants...precious.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Move to Costa Rica, Rush Limbaugh.
Rush said he'd move to Costa Rica if Health Care passed, and it did and now he is backing out, blaming us all for misreading his intentions.
Rush, I am not misreading your intentions. I am just saying please...PLEASE move to Costa Rica.
Go there and ruin that place instead.
Rush, I am not misreading your intentions. I am just saying please...PLEASE move to Costa Rica.
Go there and ruin that place instead.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
I need a new phone...
I know that I need a new phone, but I don't want to get one. I don't know what the issue is. Maybe you can figure it out.
When I first get started in the crazy "having a cell phone" game, I picked out a phone that I thought was cool (back in 2001).
I got scammed by the Tmobile guy (at that point he was actually the VoiceStream guy) who told me he was giving me a deal by giving me the phone 1/2 price ($50). The truth is that I could have gotten it for free anywhere else. This is just one example of the many times I got reverse jew-ed since I moved to NYC. Don't worry: I've been jew-ing it up since then, and am now more than caught up.
Still, it was a good little phone. It lasted me a long time.
When it came time to move on, I got a flip phone from Motorola.
It was the first flip phone that I ever had, and I wasn't crazy about it. Charger was a pain in the ass, texting was a bit of a bitch, and it had a rubber back so it stuck to the sides of my pockets in a really annoying way.
After that phone's year was up, I went back to Nokia and fell in love with a little guy...name the Nokia 3220.
You ever meet someone who's everything you didn't know you wanted? Well, that's how I felt about the Nokia 320. Light, small and a breeze to use, this quickly became the best of all three of the phones I've had.
In the four years that I've used this puppy there were a few times when I could have gotten different phones. A friend of mine even gave me a Tmobile Smartphone, but I sold it. I never wanted anything more than this cute little guy. It's been with me through so much. I've done the majority of my texting on this phone. Sure, the camera doesn't work all that well, the battery isn't as strong as it was back when I got it, I can't go online, there's no GPS, and of course the keys are all busted up from over-use, but this is my PHONE! This is my phone! My simple, small, light, easy to use phone.
About four months ago my phone had a career ending injury. A few pieces of the back panel fell off after having been dropped for the 20th time or so, and I know that, as a phone, it isn't meant for this world much longer.
Nokia has made drastic changes to it's format since I got the 3220, so I refuse to go to them for my next phone. At the moment, I am at a loss for what to do. My current game plan is to continue looking at phones (and maybe some new plans) until something comes out that fills my very specific needs: small, light, easy to use, and totally amazing.
When I first get started in the crazy "having a cell phone" game, I picked out a phone that I thought was cool (back in 2001).
I got scammed by the Tmobile guy (at that point he was actually the VoiceStream guy) who told me he was giving me a deal by giving me the phone 1/2 price ($50). The truth is that I could have gotten it for free anywhere else. This is just one example of the many times I got reverse jew-ed since I moved to NYC. Don't worry: I've been jew-ing it up since then, and am now more than caught up.
Still, it was a good little phone. It lasted me a long time.
When it came time to move on, I got a flip phone from Motorola.
It was the first flip phone that I ever had, and I wasn't crazy about it. Charger was a pain in the ass, texting was a bit of a bitch, and it had a rubber back so it stuck to the sides of my pockets in a really annoying way.
After that phone's year was up, I went back to Nokia and fell in love with a little guy...name the Nokia 3220.
You ever meet someone who's everything you didn't know you wanted? Well, that's how I felt about the Nokia 320. Light, small and a breeze to use, this quickly became the best of all three of the phones I've had.In the four years that I've used this puppy there were a few times when I could have gotten different phones. A friend of mine even gave me a Tmobile Smartphone, but I sold it. I never wanted anything more than this cute little guy. It's been with me through so much. I've done the majority of my texting on this phone. Sure, the camera doesn't work all that well, the battery isn't as strong as it was back when I got it, I can't go online, there's no GPS, and of course the keys are all busted up from over-use, but this is my PHONE! This is my phone! My simple, small, light, easy to use phone.
About four months ago my phone had a career ending injury. A few pieces of the back panel fell off after having been dropped for the 20th time or so, and I know that, as a phone, it isn't meant for this world much longer.
Nokia has made drastic changes to it's format since I got the 3220, so I refuse to go to them for my next phone. At the moment, I am at a loss for what to do. My current game plan is to continue looking at phones (and maybe some new plans) until something comes out that fills my very specific needs: small, light, easy to use, and totally amazing.
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